My true nature at this very moment

I want to set fire to the night
I want to scream your name until my throat explodes
I want this feeling of depravity
To vanish faster than your face did
As you slipped out the door so long ago

I want crystal vision
And calm collection
I want to race this demon
With a big block chevy
Right through the backdoor of my soul

I have no desire to surrender
Any longer
To your selfish inquisition
Your search for perfecion in an unperfect world
I will no longer be led to such ends
I will no longer feel inadequate
And you will no longer know me
All you will know is my memory

And you will always be a part of me,
All the same.

What I seek tonight

Lingering undertones
Of obsenity
Rest playfully on lips
Not too sure of their cause

I scan the room for silence

Show me a delicate smile
Or some long, drawn pause
Pressed firmly,
Perfectly,
Below eyes that wander
Just as my own
In this vivid light,
And musically chaotic atmosphere
As such that I am now presented

Show me a face
Not yet poisoned,
But unabashed
And at the same moment, innocent
Searching, as I do now
For a rebuttle to a raised brow
And seductive demeanor
From afar

That is what I seek tonight.

Home

I've walked these roads before.
These tired, old, dead end roads.
Dead end roads filled with houses, once flourishing in hopes of a brighter future and promising lives, lost now somewhere in the cries of unplanned children and curses for nowhere jobs that keep the collectors at bay.
Houses that were such a staple of my youth.
Houses where I was schooled in the ways of the world, and where innocence no doubtedly was lost, now occupied by complete strangers.
But I know those walls and those rooms.
I know their stories well, and believe no one could tell it better than I.
Teenage love games, and searching for answers in the bottom of tequilla bottles; chasing the worm like some drunk madman chasing the memory of his ill-fated marriage through back alleys and on lonely street corners.
Each turn, each stretch of weathered pavement, brings me back to a time now seemingly lost. For as familiar as it all is, this is no longer the town of my youth.
My true nature at this moment is the 30 year old, still showing up at foorball parties and pep rallies, clinging to a time when nothing mattered and everything was to gain.
But yet at the same time I find a strange solace in knowing these streets and houses no longer know me, that I can walk them in complete anonymity, undetected. Unsuspected.
I am home, and yet this is the most foreign land I have come across in all my travels.

How things can change

As I was out strolling on my nightly walk, as I have done every night now for over a month, my aimless wandering led me to a very "ritzy" part of town. I assume that this needs no further explaination, as everyone knows of the areas of which I speak. As I passed house after house of well manicured yards and two to three band new trucks and cars sitting in their driveways, I started thinking about the lives these people live. Allow me to assert now that this is not a blog post containing any negative remarks about those who live a life of material abundance, but rather how my opinion of such has changed quite dramatically in such a short amount of time.
I imagine a saturday morning when the owner of such a home would be outside in the early morning sun, washing his vehicle with pride. The sense of accomplishment growing with each sud-soaked swipe of the sponge across each curve of their newly purchased car. I commend them for such an accomplishment, as they have placed their nose squarely to the grindstone, and persisted in such a way for many years of their lives, to be able to be in that very position. They have set goals for themselves, and for their families, and have followed through on those goals with a certain degree of integrity and dedication. As I am imagining this scenario, it occurs to me that just three short years ago I too held in high standards, such a goal for my own life. A nice house in the suburbs, a two car garage greeted by a freshly paved and well maintained driveway, lined perhaps with flourishing flowers or exceptionally groomed hedges. The decor for the driveway; a brand new and sparkling clean Toyota Tundra, parked in reverse, it's headlights and grill forming a sort of  brooding face in the dim light of the streetlamp. But tonight, as I pass just such a residence, I am filled with absolute gratitude of a different kind. I am eternally grateful, and even thank the universe for the ability to be, completely free of a life like that.
To be able to go about my days and nights with the same worry-free innocence one often associates with children at play on recess, or a couple enjoying a sunset on some remote desert isle, completely present in it's beauty and magnificence.
From three short years ago until today, I have been able to free my mind of lofty aspirations and daydreams of three hundred thousand dollar homes and brand new cars, along with all the taxes and payments that undoubtedly accompany them. In their place, I now focus on myself and my impact on the universe, our planet, and my own spiritual awareness within it. I have devoted my life to attaining less, in order to acquire so much more. I am free from the trappings of a mortgage and a car payment, I pay no attention to gas prices or the stock market, and have no need for security systems or locks. Instead, I am concerned with maintaining a certain level of presence, and a mind free of negativity, pessimism, and violence. As I mentioned before, I commend people for the dreams and desires they have, and their achieving them, but must rightfully admit that I woud not trade lives with them for even an hour.
In a sense, I do have to admit, this is still very stange to me. I suppose this is due to my ego still striving to live up the expectations set forth by most, at what is considered a "successful" life. That small part of me that will always fight to have some sense of "I," and longing so dramatically for that sense of I to be one of material wealth and societal status. He knows his place, but that does not stiffle him from tossing his two cents about as one often does when told to be quiet. I have finally reached the point where everything I own can fit into a suitcase and a backpack, and my sense of achievement comes from being kind to others, traveling the earth as only a free man can, and experiencing as many things as this life has to offer me. My sense of comfort arises from knowing I have friends and family strewn about this country who love and support me, and I am able to come and go and visit them whenever I wish, with no concern of finacial availability or alloted time off. My sense of security is held firmly in the fact that I need no security, as I have nothing I hoard or perceive as "mine." For anything I have is just as much my fellow man's as it is mine, and I would, and do offer it up willingly, because the only things that I deem important enough to steal simply cannot be stolen.
For this I am eternally grateful.

Heading back east

Four days remain of my time on the west coast. It amazes me how fast time really goes, has it truly been over a monthalready?
As the departure date grows closer and closer, I am reminded of the only downside to a life of constant travel and nomadacy; your life is a constant stream of goodbyes. People in general are very stationary creatures, and enjoy rooting up somewhere and having their friends and loved ones close by for years, if not a lifetime. The people in my life change just as often as the scenery does, sometimes even faster. I cannot say that I am saddened by my goodbyes, as by now I have gotten used to it. I have truly come to terms with the fact that change is the only constant in life, and living a life that is in continuous change takes some getting used to. But nevertheless, being someone who hates goodbyes, it still bears its weight. I do have to admit though that the excitement I get from travel and the change of scenery always quickly replaces and negative emotions my leaving may produce. I am saying goodbye to family and new friends once again, but I would be lying if I said I wasn't excited to get back to Ohio. I have so many great friends and family there that I have not seen in almost 2 years, I would leave right now given the chance.
The whole goal of Ohio is to get an odd job and save up as much money as possible for next season's travels. In April I will once again throw my pack on my back and toss the great golden thumb towards heaven and be back "home" on the road. The tentative plan is to head down to North Carolina to visit friends and spend at least 2 completely drunk days in Asheville. From there I will make my way westward once again, without any real plan until I get to California. I want to spend at least 3 weeks just working my way up the 101 and do a lot of hiking in the redwoods and along the coast, finally ending up back in Oregon again around mid May. One week or so with friends and family then its off to Maui to wwoof on an organic farm for a few months! I have great hopes for Hawaii, I really think it will be a blast.

Wanderlust

Well I can’t help you understand
The thrills of a nomadic man
Nor walk you hand in hand
To the place where it all began
But if you would kindly give me a ride,
I could adequately begin to describe
The need for freedom over pride
The need for the road, forever at my side
A choice of will over want
And forgive me for being so blunt,
But I assure you this is not a stunt
And there is nothing missing I feel I must hunt
Nor is there anything from which I run,
For each day is anew with the rising sun
My motto for each, simply “have fun”
And believe me when I say, this journey has only just begun
For each man chooses his own life;
I chose freedom over a wife,
I chose peace over unneeded strife,
A life where discovery and mystery are always quite rife!
And I assure you sir, I hold the key to my life’s design
As sure as I am holding this “New Orleans” sign
And as far as my position, I am feeling quite fine,
For I have no need for calendars, schedule books, or even the current time
In fact I have no clue in what direction I will next head
Nor once night falls, where I will make my bed
I just keep adding miles to these boots’ tread,
Cuz I was born a ramblin’ man, like the Allman brothers said!

~Trip the Tramp

Why us?

   In "Walden," Henry David Thoreau wrote that it is true for man, as is for all creatures; that water, food, and shelter are the only requirements to successfully sustain life. The only true necessities of life.
It can be deduced then, that all of the other facets of life that man deems a necessity; fashionable clothing or shoes, decadent houses, cars, even cooked food, is not really a necessity but a comfort invented by man himself. This idea is most elaborated upon in today's world. Today we say that a certain level of transportation, mostly the personal automobile, or a certain level of income or status in our community or career is deemed necessity. We have lost all touch with the knowledge and understanding that these are man made ideas, nothing more, and that true necessity still resides in being fed, sheltered, and well hydrated.
But yet, millions of people have one foot in the grave, digging it deeper day by day trying to achieve these ideas that are mistaken as necessity in today's world. So far removed we have become, that when a man stands his ground and proclaims that food, water, and shelter are all he needs and nothing more, he is labeled destitute, lazy, or a failure to make anything of the life he has been given.
   I have always asked, even in my younger years, before any concept of a living was to be had, what exactly separated us from other animals. "Explain to me," I would question of anyone I could, "why just because we have logic, reason, and thought, we are suddenly expected to work and drive automobiles, and concern ourselves with responsibility and obligation? Why just because some scientists come along and make things a certain way over the centuries, man cannot choose to live like as it once was? Roaming the vast prairies hunting and gathering his food, rising and sleeping as he sees himself awake and tired, instead of having to live his life by the clock!Why must we feel that we have to live in little boxes, and work in little boxes, and ride in a little box to and from work, trading our time for money, and allowing our personal level of stress to be a major deciding factor in our level of health?"
   Now obviously it wasn't quite as in-depth a question as it now has become, but the main idea was there.
Being a man of almost thirty now, I simply ask more people more often. Because for the life of me, I cannot understand how any man can say with a stern face, that his entire purpose within his lifetime is to be a hard worker; to build a strong house and a stronger family, to build up and stash away his fortune like a squirrel preparing for the harsh months of winter, to trade hours, weeks, years of his life for said fortune, and to be an upstanding character of moral code and conduct in his community. I say that any man that is living his life that way is not living his life for himself at all, but rather for everyone else. Instead of choosing what he deems important in life and not being afraid to live his life that way, no matter how "against the grain" it is in today's world, he is living to fulfill the ideas that society has established.
   The solid truth of the matter is that upon the day that death comes to claim us, nothing we have worked or toiled so hard to achieve in the physical world will have any weight in the world beyond. A heart attack will kill a homeless man in an alley, drunk on whiskey, just as fast and effectively as a millionaire and visionary surrounded by loved ones at Sunday dinner.
Just remember that, and think about what you believe is an absolute necessity in your life.